When I Left Tinder, My Life Got MORE Complicated


About two months ago I realized my life was getting a little too crazy, even for me. With my fiendish, for-the-story dating habits I stopped having time to tend to my job, my friends, the cleanliness of my home, and most importantly – myself. Not only was I strapped for minutes, but I was starting to experience an identity crisis. Because every guy in my world was sourced from Tinder, I had no previous ties and no real connections to anyone I was dating. It was too easy to lose myself. It was too easy to become Moxie. The pieces were falling apart, and my persona was infiltrating my entire being. I was drowning in myself, err – one of my selves.

How Coffee Meets Bagel Made Me Ditch Tinder (And Not in the Way You Would Think)

It all started after a date I had with a Coffee Meets Bagel engineer. Ironically, I met him in a Lyft Line on my way home from a Tinder date. We got to talking when I admitted I didn’t have CMB, because there wasn’t  enough space on my phone for another app. My comment sparked a heated debate over the philosophies of dating and dating apps, but we had yet to reach a conclusion in the allotted eight minutes before he reached his destination. As our Lyft was pulling up to his spot, he leaned over his seat and asked for my contact info. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to go out with a dating app engineer. Plus, he had an accent. #fortheblog

The following day, Bagel Boy and I made plans to meet at a bar in San Francisco called Novella. If you’ve never been, Novella is a boujee venue that, depending on the night, oscillates between date-rape-sleazy and reservation-fancy.

When Bagel and I met, it just so happened to be one of the fancier nights.

Honey Fig Cocktails and Another Basic Genius 

We drank. We laughed. We discussed our past and current lives. He was yet another multi-talented prodigy who did a zillion awe-inspiring things with his life. He was some kind of kid genius who started a leadership camp and got accepted into every important school ever. Blah blah blah. Once you’ve been in the Silicon Valley long enough, you become desensitized to impressive people. Stanford-Shmanford, millionaire-shmillionaire, genius-shmenius-how-big-is-your-penius?

I loved talking to Bagel. He was adorable and very pleasant. But in spite of our stimulating conversation and the fancy ambiance, I was kind of over the good-on-paper bullshit of all these “perfect” guys. Also, not that I care too much about age, but Bagel was a bit of a baby. Out in the wild of RL, there is no bio to indicate your person-of-interest’s age. I look young for my age, and he looks mature for his; so, B and I were equally surprised when we uncovered a five-year disparity.

In your mid-20s and beyond, nobody knows how the fuck old anyone is. It’s a damn shit show. #24or42

Canceling Afternoon Tea: The First Day of the Rest of My Month

Post-date, we shared an Lyft once again and were chauffeured to our respective homes. During the ride, Bagel eagerly egged me on for Date Part II, and I accepted.

The following day, I was enveloped by anxiety regarding Date Part II. I barely had time to myself, and yet I had to carve out an entire afternoon for some dude I just met? WHY? That was the moment it hit me: I needed a break from men. #boybye

Post-Tinder Turmoil

After accepting my epiphany, I told Bagel I didn’t want to focus my energy on dating but that I’d love to become friends. He took it like a proper gentleman and amicably agreed to chill in the friend zone. I’ll let you know if we ever actually hang out.

Month #1 of being Tinder-free was amazing. I had me-time. I could actually exercise and focus on work. My liver was healing, and the only person I was seeing was Gizmo – though, that was starting to get stale. When you’re in a mutual “I don’t care about you” relationship, the shelf-life isn’t too long; so, our expiration date was nearing, fast.

Gizmo aside, life was bliss for a short while. Then shit hit the fan.

Shit Hitting the Fan

Item 1. The Roommate Situation: Moxie/Jess – What a Mess! #theREALnewgirl

Item 2. Co-worker Conundrums and the Greatest Penis of All Time

Item 3. Holy Shit. I Really Like Someone: An Instafamous Romance

Item 4. Weeding Out the Hos and Sewing Secrets Under the Soil

I swear I’ll write follow-up posts for these items. I already have half the story for Item 1. Items 2 and 3 are in my head, and Item 4 is still unraveling.

I also swear I’ll write the previously-advertised headings regarding what happened to the August and November Fuckers. Aaaanddd, I have a belated BEDx story to share.


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