Fuckers I’m Dating: November Edition


Copy of Black Gold Great Gatsby Bar Menu (2)

It’s pumpkin spice time, bitches! Fuckers I’m Dating: August Edition was so last summer. Now it’s all about those fall boys.

Who’s available in this season’s selection?

  1. Gizmo

    Thrift enthusiast, straight out of an indie movie. Excited by 70s color pallets and free furniture on the street. So ethereal and charming, you won’t even notice he’s been mooching off you the whole time.

    gizmo3.png

    Works @: idk?? Juggling odd-jobs while trying to start an apparel company.
    Met through: Tinder

    He’s the one I actually like (for now). That ethereal glow is real. Last week, I got so lost in his beautiful green eyes that I didn’t even realize he demolished all my tortillas and killed my margarita mix. When I wanted to make tacos later, I was severely disappointed.

    I wonder how this one will end. My guess? One of us will eventually become so flaky, the other will just give up.

    If you’ve been following with my posts, you’ll know all about Gizmo from Stay Static or Look Erratic: Navigating the Dating Apps.

  2. Glenn

    Young Korean scrapper. TWD Glenn look-alike. Regularly cracked out on Adderall. Lives with parents. Salesman by day, aspiring hip-hop artist by night. Uncanny mix of endearing and off-putting. Doesn’t tip.

    glenn

    Works @: some sales company
    Met through: Tinder

    Glenn speaks like a robot with ADHD, but when he busts out a joke, he delivers with the grace of a Young MC. I’m interested to see what he’ll be like over time. He’ll either age like fine wine or mold like fresh cheese. I’m up for the gamble.

  3. Sherman sans Peabody

    Boyish, redheaded blabberer. Can’t handle more than 30 seconds of silence. Obsesses over Apple products, expensive watches, and genuine leather.

    sherman.png Works @:
    Lyft
    Met through: Tinder

    Funny story. I met Shermz in July – the week I purchased my blog domain. For whatever reason, I was SUPER into him. We had an amazing first two weeks and couldn’t stop hanging out. At the time, I legitimately thought we’d become something real. I rarely meet anyone I could seriously be with, so I assumed the universe was messing with me.  I started to fret about the blog. How can I write about dating trends if I get stuck with a boyfriend? Am I ready to be in a real relationship again?

    After our short-lived bonding bliss, Sherman went on a spontaneous trip to Bermuda. When he got back, we had to end things because he unexpectedly had a purely platonic friendship turn romantic.

    The day after my rejection I went into artist manic mode. I designed my lip brand logo and created that banner on my page with the cell phone graphics. Finally, Suddenly Single in the Silicon Valley was real. Nothing like a little ego damage to inspire that artist fire. Thanks Shermie. :*

    So maybe you’re thinking, “Hold on, Moxie . . . If this fucker vanished in the Bermuda Triangle, how the hell did he end up on your November menu?” As I said in Seeking Arrangement: The Make-a-Wish Foundation for Hot Chicks, “Boys always come back.”

    Sherman initiated a conversation a couple months ago. We’ve gone on a few ambiguous “dates” since. I’m honestly not sure if they were dates or if we were just hanging out as friends. He specifically goes out of his way to pay and I have not heard one mention of the previously platonic girl; however, he also has not made any moves. TBD on this one. #confused

  4. Typical Techie Tom

    Data analyst. Artist. Wearer of plaid. Brings up “working out” at every possible opportunity. Smiles uncomfortably often. Lives in the Marina.
    ttt
    Works @:
    Dropbox
    Met through: Tinder

    This dude only lasted two dates before a mildly dramatic text outburst ended it all.

    Last Saturday, I had tea with Techie Tom. His smile was warm, and his crow’s feet were permanently indented into his flesh. When people smile too much, I always wonder if they’re hiding something. Was he perpetually masking his intent-to-kill microexpressions? Or was he simply a bomb of insecurity waiting to explode? Did I want to find out?

    In our early chatting stages, I debriefed TTT on my shifty texting abilities and informed him of my distaste for small talk. Instead of accepting me for the shady lady I am, he insisted on texting  me jokes about my response rates. It wasn’t cute. It was tacky.

    Fortunately, before I had the chance to shoot myself, TTT blew up on me and things stopped there. What did I do to detonate Mr. Smiley? I didn’t respond to his texts for a few days.

    Techie Tom is the type of person who, instead of waiting for a response to his inert, useless text, he will magically generate an entirely new, inert and useless text. FYI, if you’re double texting, make the second one count. Ask an important question or make plans. Don’t spew out more pointless garbage.

    Anyway, Tom got kinda aggro, “Okay, I get the hint. I don’t know where it went wrong. It’s not you, it’s me, right?” I guess I didn’t have to wonder too long about the chronic smiling. That bomb of insecurity had a very short incubation period.

    Between you and me, I swear I was going to respond. I just needed some space. Even if that weren’t the case though – even if I were never going to respond: ALWAYS TAKE GHOSTING GRACEFULLY. Don’t freak out on people. It makes you look crazy, and it makes the other person think, “YIKES. Dodged that bullet.”

    Always mind your neediness.

4 thoughts on “Fuckers I’m Dating: November Edition”

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