Fuckers I’m Dating: August Edition

Black Gold Great Gatsby Bar Menu (2)

Been going on a lot of dates. Needed a way to keep track.


Is This Offensive? Probably.


Customer Favorites: The Least Disappointing

At this juncture, my personal faves are Renaissance Ronald and K-Pop. RR is just the right blend of tries-to-get-in-your-pants and respects-your-boundaries. He’s one of the more unique breeds of CEO/founders, because he’s also an artist. He creates light-based sculptures for  his clients. Very beautiful. Very “art meets technology.” On our first date, he convinced me to check out his lair of lights, which I can confidently say – was nothing short of “lit.”

Unlike RR, K-Pop was an unexpected favorite. K isn’t my type at all. Normally, I’m not into guys who aren’t naturally intuitive (Those Myers-Briggs “S” types are so not my style.), but I’m fascinated and enamored by K’s logical ability to understand people based on patterns he observes. He can pick up on behavior without actually understanding it. He uses what he learns to manipulate, and he does it well.

My Dating Demographic At a Glance

  • 4/5 of these guys are founders/CEOs
  • 4/5 kissed me on the first date
  • 4/5 tried to sleep with me the night of the first kiss
    • 4/4 of  those who tried were founders
    • 0/4 of those who tried succeeded
  • 3/5 live alone
  • 2/5 live in communal work spaces
  • 2/5 claimed to have slept with over 50-100 women
  • 2/5 regularly fly out to New York for work  *When the first guy told me about his alternate life in NYC, I thought he was so cool and sophisticated, but that story was surprisingly less impressive the second time around.

Fun Facts Divulged During Dates

  • One guy’s COO gave out mushroom-laced candy at an offsite.  No big deal. A dash of psilocybin is just another day in the life.
  • One of the founders hired his CTO through YouTube and sourced an investor from Facebook. Next step: CFO Instagram model?
  • Another founder admitted he was ashamed to be breaking his newly-practiced “fasting” ritual when he agreed to eat with me. He was further embarrassed by the fact that he could only handle a once-a-week fasting, compared to his hardcore buddies who manage two-day fastings. This is not the first time I’ve been on a date with a starving suitor. Apparently acute anorexia is fashionable these days. #foryourhealth


Not Everyone Can Be a Winner

Since I’m burning through dates on the reg, not everyone is going to make the cut. Even with my for-the-story mentality, there are still too many dudes to keep up with. The Silicon Valley is an endless supply of well-packaged disappointments; so, I am forced to vote cast members off the island. Regardless of why they didn’t advance to the next round – whether they were too alpha, too beta, too boring, or simply not pretty enough – these stragglers deserve some sort a shout out. If not for them, then for me: This is my way of convincing myself I didn’t completely waste my time and liver on these flops.

August Honorable Mentions


Chubby epitome of a start-up knob. Every time he laughed, he laughed a little too loudly (I mean, I know I’m hilarious, but c’mon.), and his eyes bulged in a manner too theatrical for anything short of a stage. I’m always stunned by how banal entrepreneurs can be. In theory, a well-traveled, highly-educated, forward-thinker should at least provide average levels of entertainment. That, however, is not usually the case. It’s as though anything potentially interesting about these guys is wasted on pitches to investors or time thinking about product development. #unsolvedmysteries


Although he seemed very promising on Tinder, IRL, I felt zero attraction. He was much too effeminate. In fact, had I met him in another context, I would have for sure questioned his sexuality.

It’s not rare for me to question the sexuality of certain tech archetypes. Because the valley is home to a significant population of soft-spoken introverts and fashionable men from cultures of varying social norms, I often find myself unsure if a guy is into me or my outfit. Of course there is nothing wrong with a feminine dude of any sexuality. Slaaaay. You do you. Different strokes. Personally, I’m somewhat masculine and happen to prefer dominant, strapping personalities.

Basically, I like assholes.

No clingers, plz.

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